Blegh. Still feeling anxious and sick all of the time, but the crying has stopped (touch wood), so that's progress. When I wake up in the morning, I immediately feel fine, and I think "Oh, good - maybe it's over", and then after about a minute I'm feeling nauseous and sad. Not a great way to start the day, but I've been here before. I'm on to you, feelings of crappiness! Just gotta wait it out.
Andy and I had a big talk last night. I feel better after speaking to him. I think part of my problem was my self-imposed 'Andy Ban', but since giving in and making contact, I feel better. We talked about what he wanted, what I wanted, and got nothing worked out. What it comes down to is that he feels he is getting on a bit and really wants to settle down and start a family, both due to his own desires and a desire to make his parents happy. He loves me and would like to do this with me, but is unwilling, or unable, to give me the time I need to get to know him to feel that this is the right decision for me. We've both been really honest, really kind, and really sad about this. It really difficult to let go when you know you both still love each other. I, of course, am painfully hopeful that he'll realise he can't live without me and change his mind and give me the time I'm asking for (as there is no way I can change my mind, it's way too risky and scary!). But, I don't really see this happening, because he's an intelligent guy who knows what he wants, and he seems to want this very much. So, it's totally horrible, but something I'm just going to have to deal with.
And every now and then, my stupid mind will whisper, "what if you did [marry him], Sam?", which is, quite simply, insane. Not that marriage, or marriage to Andy is insane, but to consider it so soon? It's something you should be totally happy about, and really excited to do. And a tad more romantic than this :) Such a life-changing decision should not be made lightly or so soon into a relationship. Right?
Anyway, aside from my post-breakup insanity (sometimes it literally feels like something is controlling my mind), I'm thinking about a lot of things I've never seriously considered before. This is going to sound weird, but I've never seriously thought about getting married, not for real. It's just something other people do that had nothing to do with me or my life. I've been thinking about it now though, obviously, and it is something I could do. In fact, I think it's something I want to do, when the time is right. It's like all my other relationships up until this one I was having as a teenager, treating them as impermanent things that were inevitably going to end because I was too young to even think about commitment. So, even though I loved my boyfriends, I never really seriously considered them 'forever'. With Andy, though, I've suddenly been thrown into adult land - and I like it. But it's different, and new, and scary. And I have no time to adjust.
So, although this has been/is really sad, heartbreaking, and horrible, I am learning a lot, as well as changing and growing. Why do all the growing things hurt? One of my favourite quotes (I have no idea where I got it, or how the original went) is "pain is the result of a resistance to change", and I really think it's true. It helps me because it reminds me to try to relax and work with the change, or just let the change come.
Anyway, enough introspection.
It's 2.15pm on Tuesday and we still have not recorded the listening test. Mr B said we'd do it at 11.45am, but nothing ever happened. He gave me the script yesterday (missing a page that I had to print out myself), but we haven't done it yet. Tomorrow is the last day of tests. I will never understand why he leaves it so late - it's really quite irresponsible. What if the equipment is broken? Or needs to be charged? What if one of us fell suddenly ill and couldn't do it? Last minute is certainly not the way I operate!
Ok, that's enough rambling for now :)
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