Home Friday

It's actually been a week since my last post, and in that time I've travelled back to NZ!

Since the only person I'm aware of who reads my blog is my mum, and she's well aware of what I'm doing each day (sitting on the couch reading), I probably will not be updating regularly for the next few weeks. I might try for a 'five things' every now and then.

So, see ya when I decide on my next adventure :)

I'm getting through Thursday

Only one day to go!

And my 'fight the anxiety' inspiration for today:

Dealing with it Wednesday

I had a bad evening yesterday. I was doing ok, dealing with things, accepting the changes... and then Andy texts me. Not to add anything new to the conversation, but to tell me 'Good bye'. It was unnecessary and really upsetting. I'd been dealing pretty well up until then, but that was just the straw that broke the camels back. I'm the camel, obviously. I felt so instantly awful - things inside me we prickling, burning, twisting. I needed to DO something. So, I booked a flight home 4 days earlier than planned. Yes, it inconvenient, an impulse decision, and possibly a waste of money, but I just couldn't stand the idea of spending those 4 days alone in Seoul waiting to go home with nothing to do or think about other than how awful I was feeling. So, I just clicked 'buy tickets', and felt better right away. And today I am doing ok. And I ate some food. And wrote a really long and convincing list of all the reasons why Andy is not the man for me, anyway. Seriously, it's convincing :)

So, it's Wednesday. Only two days to go, after this one. One of the lady teachers was talking to me in the bathroom, and asked if I was staying to teach here for another year. I was like "No, did Mr B. not tell you? My last day is Friday". She was like "What!?!". Haha, good to know they keep the other teachers informed of when the foreign teachers come and go. But, then she told me she "hates" Mr B., so tries to never talk to him. She said she really doesn't like him, finds him annoying and creepy, and that he talks way too much. I was just like yeah, I know! So, interestingly, my hatred of Mr B. is perhaps not just me. Perhaps he is a dickhead of international status?

On Friday, I'll have taught at Namsa for 365 days. Honestly, this year has not been that great. I know, I'm a bit low right now, but seriously, it's been a bit stink. Not totally, I have had fun, been fairly content, and had some good times, but overall, if we average it out = not spectacular. I don't regret it, and some of the good times were amazing, but I'm not in a hurry to repeat it :)

In other news, I just got all my coins deposited into my bank account. I had over 10,000w in 10w and 50w pieces. Yes, those numbers are correct, and yes, it was heavy! That's what happens when you deal in nothing but cash for a year.

Post-breakup insanity Tuesday

Blegh. Still feeling anxious and sick all of the time, but the crying has stopped (touch wood), so that's progress. When I wake up in the morning, I immediately feel fine, and I think "Oh, good - maybe it's over", and then after about a minute I'm feeling nauseous and sad. Not a great way to start the day, but I've been here before. I'm on to you, feelings of crappiness! Just gotta wait it out.

Andy and I had a big talk last night. I feel better after speaking to him. I think part of my problem was my self-imposed 'Andy Ban', but since giving in and making contact, I feel better. We talked about what he wanted, what I wanted, and got nothing worked out. What it comes down to is that he feels he is getting on a bit and really wants to settle down and start a family, both due to his own desires and a desire to make his parents happy. He loves me and would like to do this with me, but is unwilling, or unable, to give me the time I need to get to know him to feel that this is the right decision for me. We've both been really honest, really kind, and really sad about this. It really difficult to let go when you know you both still love each other. I, of course, am painfully hopeful that he'll realise he can't live without me and change his mind and give me the time I'm asking for (as there is no way I can change my mind, it's way too risky and scary!). But, I don't really see this happening, because he's an intelligent guy who knows what he wants, and he seems to want this very much. So, it's totally horrible, but something I'm just going to have to deal with.

And every now and then, my stupid mind will whisper, "what if you did [marry him], Sam?", which is, quite simply, insane. Not that marriage, or marriage to Andy is insane, but to consider it so soon? It's something you should be totally happy about, and really excited to do. And a tad more romantic than this :) Such a life-changing decision should not be made lightly or so soon into a relationship. Right?

Anyway, aside from my post-breakup insanity (sometimes it literally feels like something is controlling my mind), I'm thinking about a lot of things I've never seriously considered before. This is going to sound weird, but I've never seriously thought about getting married, not for real. It's just something other people do that had nothing to do with me or my life. I've been thinking about it now though, obviously, and it is something I could do. In fact, I think it's something I want to do, when the time is right. It's like all my other relationships up until this one I was having as a teenager, treating them as impermanent things that were inevitably going to end because I was too young to even think about commitment. So, even though I loved my boyfriends, I never really seriously considered them 'forever'. With Andy, though, I've suddenly been thrown into adult land - and I like it. But it's different, and new, and scary. And I have no time to adjust.

So, although this has been/is really sad, heartbreaking, and horrible, I am learning a lot, as well as changing and growing. Why do all the growing things hurt? One of my favourite quotes (I have no idea where I got it, or how the original went) is "pain is the result of a resistance to change", and I really think it's true. It helps me because it reminds me to try to relax and work with the change, or just let the change come.

Anyway, enough introspection.

It's 2.15pm on Tuesday and we still have not recorded the listening test. Mr B said we'd do it at 11.45am, but nothing ever happened. He gave me the script yesterday (missing a page that I had to print out myself), but we haven't done it yet. Tomorrow is the last day of tests. I will never understand why  he leaves it so late - it's really quite irresponsible. What if the equipment is broken? Or needs to be charged? What if one of us fell suddenly ill and couldn't do it? Last minute is certainly not the way I operate!

Ok, that's enough rambling for now :)

This is a bit of a sucky Monday

As far as Mondays go, this one is not very good.

But, only 4.2 days of my crappy job to go. Today is a testing day (same as tomorrow and Wednesday) and they made me 'monitor the corridor' for 45 minutes. I was like "what am I looking for? What do I do if something goes wrong?', cos I had no idea what I was there for. Mr B. was just like 'Oh, just walk up and down the corridor. Dream your dreams and stare at the sky' (actual quote!!). Ooooookaaaaay. Well, that was simply freaking awesome because the first thing you want to do when you've just had your heart broken is spend 45 minutes in a cold corridor with only your own insane mind for company. It was super. Not.

Haha, I'm ok. Really tired, but ok. 

I'm pretty sure Mr. B. is preparing the recording equipment for doing the listening test recordings. He hasn't said anything about it to me. He did come up to me with my e-ticket this monring though, really confused. He pointed to the date of my flight back to NZ, and is like "is this this-week Friday?". It clearly says '17Oct' where he is pointing. I'm like "no, that's the 17th of October. Next Wednesday", and he goes "Oh! It's the date!". Yes, Mr. B. it's the date. He seemed a bit confused that my job was ending on Friday but I wasn't flying out until the following Wednesday. Originally it was so I had enough time to get my visa sorted, but now... I think it's just wasted time. I'm not even sure I'll bother switching to a D10 now. What is there for me in Korea without Andy? Attractions I've mostly seen, food I've mostly tried, and jobs that don't really let me teach like a real teacher. With him it was fun and exciting, but without him, it just seems kind of bleak. If I have to go through all the emotional crap of breaking up with him, I might as well go through the emotional crap of changing countries at the same time. You know, two for the price of one sort of thing.

So, might just go home, recover, and try a different country. Maybe somewhere European. I'm feeling so emotionally exhausted though, that nothing sounds good. I know I can't stay in NZ, but the thought of having to go somewhere else new and unknown and try to figure it all out - just sounds more exhausting! I definitely need some recovery time. I'm confident my passion and energy will come back if I just take a little care of myself. Two women from my CELTA course have found work in Valencia (in Spain) and from their Facebook photos, it looks simply gorgeous. Inspiration, maybe.

So, I sat outside at lunchtime today. I managed to eat some potatoes at lunch (first food in 40 hours... need to start eating). As I sat in the sun mulling things over, I realised that this is perhaps a completely appropriate end to my time in Korea. Or at least what they call a 'symmetrical bookend'. How did I start my time here a year ago? Wasting days in Seoul to begin with, then feeling sad, sick, and had no appetite  and being sad about a boy while sitting on the school steps in the sun. Now, a year later, the boy has changed, but the rest is the same. I'm not sure if it's funny or depressing :) I mean, have I learned nothing? Well, yeah I have. I learned to hang in there because it gets better. It gets big-time better :)

Now, here is a teacup pig. That should help cheer me up :)

Breakup Sunday

That's right, folks. Who saw that one coming? Well, I did, but I convinced myself it was my crazy hormones. Turns out Andy wants to get married and have babies more than he wants to get to know me. Well, turns out his parents want him to and he 'has' to do what they want. In any case, here's a picture I made to express myself.

I'm pretty sure that in four weeks I'll be quite fine.

To Andy's parents (who wanted to send him on blind dates even though they knew we were dating and I just spent all of last weekend with them): I made you guys cheesecake. For special. To try and communicate with you because we don't speak the same language. And you try to encourage your son to cheat on me? You suck.

To Andy: You also suck. In a kind and considerate way. You're lovely, but grow some balls.

Red skirt Friday

Yesterday was my first attempt at wearing leggings, and today I'm being daring (for me) again and wearing a bright red almost-mini-skirt. It's not really mini (wikipedia says that to be a miniskirt it has to end 10cm or less from my buttocks, and I'm pretty sure my skirt is a bit longer than that), but anyway. It's awesome and it's red. And really comfy!

I had a really great Skype chat to Jen last night. She just broke up with her boyfriend, and while she is heartbroken and upset, she's is being so mature and together about the whole thing. I'm really proud of her for being so introspective and calm. I feel like, while I know she's unhappy about it, she is learning so, so much about who she is and what she wants in her life. It's kind of awesome. Sucks, but awesome. We talked for a good hour, and I'm not sure it helped her any (she seems to be doing fine on her own), it felt really good to be there for her as much as I could. I am really looking forward to hanging out while I'm home.

So, only 5.5 days of work to go. It's like the closer I get to never having to deal with him again, the more my frustrations with Mr B. are coming to the surface. I mean, I've always been frustrated (lol, check out my entries from when I started work here a year ago - nothing has changed!!), but it's like now that I know I only have a little bit to go, I've got permission to REALLY feel pissed off. For example, mid-term exams start on Monday. I wrote the listening portion of the English exam maybe a month ago (or more?), but have we recorded it yet? No. Friday is halfway over, he's had the material for over 4 weeks, and we haven't done a thing. This means it will either be done in a panic later this afternoon, or like last time, he will try to get me to meet up and do on the weekend (haha, nah. I'm not giving up my weekend to fix your disorganisation) and I'll come in to work 'early' on Monday and do it before school. It's kind of a lucky-dip as to what will happen. I'm toying with the idea of politely asking why he leaves recording until the VERY last minute, but it might be more trouble than it's worth. I'm pretty sure he caught the tale end of one of my 'you're a fucktard' faces yesterday, and I don't want to piss him off. The school owes me lots of money and I want it quickly and without fuss.

For some reason, Mr. B. is doing all the teaching today, even though some of the classes are doing the parts of the textbook I always teach. Not sure what the deal with that is. But anyway, it allowed me to spend all morning on Pinterest. I was actually pinning ESL related stuff, so it was kind of work related. I do have another article for Busy Teacher than I'm about 1/4 through writing, but I'm just not in the mood right now. I'll probably finish it next week. Also on the agenda for next week is getting a class photo taken with all the different grades at school, and getting a pic of Mr B for mum (I haven't forgotten!). Next Friday I might be showing the new teacher around, though not a single thing has been said to me about this. Actually, now that I think about it, I might need accommodation for Thursday night - I'm not sleeping on the floor for the night if I have to share for one night with the new teacher like I had to with Rosie. But, then again, My last day is a Friday and their first day is a Monday, so maybe they'll arrive on the weekend and I'll never meet them. I'll ask next week. And be all packed and ready to go on Wednesday, just in case.

Today's five things:

1) I had a rockin' smoothie for breakfast. Key ingredient? Pureed pumpkin! Yum!

2) Today's lunch was bony fish carefully disguised to look like chicken. I was 100% disappointed. The upside of this? Only 5 school lunches to go!

3) I love my new red skirt!

4) Biggest problem at the moment? Deciding what to wear on the plane. (touch wood).

5) Some days I love working with kids.

Updates on a Thursday

But, it feels like a Monday because I've had all week off! My 5 day break felt so gloriously long! (My new favourite word is 'glorious'). It was the perfect mix of relaxing, eating, sleeping, shopping, and crafting. I feel like a new woman! Partly this is because I had such a lovely break, partly because one 'chapter', so to speak, of my life is about to close, and partly because I am wearing leggings for the first time ever. Yeah, it's a big step for me. Leggings and a dress covered in a small gemstone pattern - super daring outfit for me. But anyway, lets start with the weekend.

I made a baked pumpkin cheesecake on Friday evening. I did end up getting to go home early, got home about 3.30pm, in fact. The cheesecake worked incredibly well, baked just like it should, and tasted amazing! I took it to Andy's house as a gift for his family for thanksgiving. And then ended up spending three days at his house hanging out with his parents, him, and one of his sisters (+ husband +2 kids). I slept at my house, but spent each day at his. He and I sometimes hung out alone, going for walks to the river, or setting up lawn chairs in the sun, and sometimes with his family having BBQs, cooking, and eating. It was all really lovely and very relaxing. The weather was perfect, and I had a great time.

On Tuesday Andy had to work, but I had the day off. I went shopping in Seoul. The original aim was to buy something really different from what I normally wear, but I didn't end up achieving that. I did try on some purple pants, which didn't fit, and a zebra striped dress - which was amazingly comfy but hideous. I bought some nice things like a couple of work skirts, a grey knit jersey, and my trial leggings. They're actually pretty comfy, and let me wear a dress on a cooler kind of day, so we'll see how it goes.

Then, yesterday Andy and I spent the morning at home - him studying and me doing some craft/art. Then we went to Dongtan for lunch, had a delicious lunch buffet, and came home. Then Andy left for his place and I did some more craft, read my book, watched an episode of Bones, and went to bed. Awesome weekend! And I'm not even bummed to be back at work today because the end is nigh! Only 6.3 days left to go!!!

Here's 5 awesome things right now:

1) I've been doing 20+ minutes of yoga 4 times a week for the past two weeks and I am REALLY enjoying it. There's this website 'doyogawithme.com' that has free yoga videos, and it is good. It's making me feel really nice.

2) Only two weeks until I'm back in NZ! And mum and dad got my dog back! I am so crazy excited to see everyone! More exclamation marks!!!

3) Only 6 days of work left after today. I have checked out mentally. Not on the kids, they still deserve my full attention, but Mr B can go eat a bucket of eyeballs for all I care. Old eyeballs.

4) This weekend is 'pack and clean' weekend. I'm looking forward to throwing a bunch of stuff away, simplifying, and sorting everything. I honestly don't think I have that much. I definitely have more clothes than I came with, but not too much else.

5) I finished my Baskin Robbins challenge! Official end date was yesterday - one year since my first BR ice cream in Korea. I had my 31st flavour on Tuesday - Walnut ice cream in a choco-parfait to celebrate the completion of this epic goal. Now, what should my goal be for my next year in Korea??