Saturday's cancelled because of rain.

I had big plans this weekend, but the constant rain has ruined them! I left for Seoul last night so that I could get to Soyosan (a mountain) by 10.45 this morning to climb it with a bunch of other expats to see the autumn leaves. I've decided to try to save a bit more money than I have been, so I booked a dormitory room for the first time ever. So, not only did I sleep poorly, but it rained all night and all morning. I got up early and go ready to go, I even went to the subway station, thinking 'oh it's just a little rain'. Then I checked the weather forecast at the station (they have all these electronic info map things with a bunch of maps, weather, etc., etc.), and it just said it was going to be cold and wet. I only had one set of clothes with me, and was over an hour and a half from Osan (more like 3+ hours if I got to Soyosan), so I didn't go. I would assume the others didn't either. Who climbs a mountain in the rain? Not me. If it's fine tomorrow, I'm going to go to a big park a bit closer to home to try and check out the leaves.

Instead of a mountain, I went to the Seoul art gallery. I've been before and I really enjoyed it (and it's 100% free), but the exhibits today were weird and creepy. Some are I will never understand. Like the type of art where you don't know if it's actually stuff on display or stuff that hasn't been cleaned up. I was only there for about 20 minutes. It was still raining. I was tired, and freezing, so I just got on the train and came home. Then I had a nap, chatted to Matt on MSN, and am now trying to decide what to do with my evening.

1) I really like tuna samgak kimbap (a little like a triangular sushi package). I had it for lunch, and it costs about a dollar.

2) I had some really nice biscuits from the convenience store. most of the biscuits here that I've tried have been soft, more like muffin in biscuit shape, but these were good and crunchy and chocolate.

3) I had a very nice chat with my baby bro.

4) I got on the right train to some home and didn't have to transfer.

5) I'm reading Harry Potter again and I like it.

All planned Thursday

I now have all my after school lessons planned up until Christmas. And they're pretty cool, too, if I may say so myself. I've got so much free time at work during the day, I've almost run out of planning to do. I don't feel there's much point in planning beyond Christmas! I might end up doing it out of total boredom, though. I've spent the past hour making Christmas card templates, so that in the time between the end of exams and the Christmas holidays, we can make some cards and practice writing Christmas messages in them. Not to mention colouring. I always have to be careful not to incorporate too much art into my English lessons, as it is always my inclination to make projects arty and creative, because that's what I not only enjoy doing myself, but I love seeing what they student's come up with. However, it's not everyone's cup of tea, and I'm sure they'd get pretty sick of it (plus, it's about SPEAKING not drawing), but Christmas is the perfect excuse to get arty!

So, out of an eight hour work day today, I have been in the classroom for only three hours, and all up I spent only half a hour in total interacting with the kids, and that was once again reading them a story sentence by sentence as they repeated after me. For the rest of the class time I did nothing. Mr Baek spoke to them in Korean. One class he gave a huge lecture about them being so passive in class. It lasted over twenty minutes and cut ten minutes into lunch time. I'm not sure it helped the class. Most of them seemed to sleep through it. After lunch, he spoke at them for the whole 45 minutes, and not a word on English was uttered, but students or teacher. I don't know what he was saying. I don't like to ask in case he thinks I am judging him. Which I am, but I don't want him to know that :).

This is the road to school.

Some trees outside the school gate. Very yellow for autumn.

This is the school.

Teacher's Office.

My desk with the school laptop.

The lunch ladies are my favourite people in the whole school. The rock my socks. Those ladies cook a mean lunch, and are so nice! Today there was a really yummy rice cake and beef stew thing, and fries! The fries were cold and unsalted, but I loved them! I love lunchtime and I love the lunch ladies. Here are some loving pictures of lunch. Every day I wait for lunch, and the after lunch I with it was the period before lunch again, so I could have more lunch. Namsa school lunch + lunch ladies - you make my life at work bearable. I might go insane otherwise. All praise school lunch!

Lunch ladies dishing it up!

The staff lunch table. We get more side dishes.

My fav brown beef thing in the middle. I didn't have soup, hence the empty hole.

Fries! And yummy beef rice stick thing. Again, no soup today.

Students eating.

Lining up for food. As a teacher, I get to push in at the front.

The 'field'. Covered in sand.

You have to take your shoes off and wear sandles inside. These are my snazzy $4 sandels.

The boys play soccer every lunch time.

So, I am setting off tomorrow for my weekend in Seoul! I've also started planning next weekend. I've found that having a big something to really look forward to make the five days in between go quite quickly. Next weekend I'm thinking of going to this gorgeous looking arboretum, which Mr Baek told me about. It's only one subway stop away, and had a ton of themed gardens and stuff. I just hope it's not all dead. All the plats here are starting to look all awful and brown and dead because of the cold. So, hopefully the gardens are kept nice. And then on Sunday I'm thinking I might go to Suwon and visit the Hwaseong fortress there. It's an old fortress wall you can walk around. Not sure how interesting it'll be, not many walls can compare now I've had such an amazing time on The Great Wall, but it's in the area, so I feel I should visit.

I've almost eaten my way through my massive pot of soup. I'm thinking of branching out next week. They sell this meat and marainade combination at the supermarket that looks pretty tasty. Maybe I'll get some of that, chuck in some broccoli (don't know why but I want broccoli), and have it with rice. At home there's no way I'd be happy eating the same thing for dinner all week, but here I don't seem to mind at all, as long at it's quick and tasty. Perhaps the awesomeness of lunch makes me not care about dinner?

This is my kitchen, complete with soup!

This is a lot of soup.

This is my favourite thing in Korea - Popcorn.

Today after school I am going to go to E-Mart, and Lotte Mart to browse, look at the guinea pigs, buy some soap and colouring pencils (for school), and possibly add another Baskin Robbins flavour to my challenge. Did you see? It has it's own page up the top on the left there :). I like wandering around the huge supermarkets here, they are such a novelty. I enjoy marveling at all the wacky things there! And they have EVERYTHING! Except porridge.

Now, I will attempt to start actually doing '5 things' again. I had to stop there for a while, because they were either non-existent, or so pathetic as to make me feel worse (you know, when you're really scraping the bottom of the barrel and have to say things like, 'well, I have two legs', or 'I'm not freezing to death'. I know that would sound horrible to people without legs, or who are freezing to death, and I am actually very greatful (and touch wood!), but you know what I mean. So, today's things:

1) Lunch. Lunch. Lunch! Yum.

2) My down jacket is super warm and I love it.

3) It was sunny outside at lunch time and some of the girls started dancing to the music that was playing. It was cute and funny.

4) I have all my lessons planned.

5) It is Thursday, which means tomorrow is Friday, which is a good thing.

Ok, they are a little bottom of the barrel-ish :D

Sunset in Osan this evening.

On my way to Lotte Mart from the bus stop.

Mystery Cakes Wednesday

Well, I’ve been living in Osan and working at Namsa middle school for two weeks now. Things have certainly settled down a lot. The kids are still polite and say hello, but are not falling over themselves to say ‘hello teacher’. Though, they still do talk to me in the halls, at lunch and after school.

However, my view of the students as polite, well disciplined, and eager to learn was completely shattered during my afterschool class yesterday. I know I’ve only got about 3 months teaching experience, but I have taught a lot of different students at a lot of different levels during that time, and this was the worst class I have ever had. They were sullen and unresponsive, talked straight over the top of me constantly, refused to do the work I set them, refused to talk to each other in English, and just overall sucked. They weren’t rude to me, as in obnoxious, but they were very disrespectful, and made teaching them very unpleasant. I’ve just got to keep going though. If the behavior keeps up, I’m going to let the ones who want to leave go home. One of the boys kept asking me if it was home time yesterday, and next time I think I’ll just say ‘yeah, if you want to. I’m going to stay here and teach, but feel free to leave’. Not really sure I’m allowed to do this, but I’m a firm believer in it’s better to ask forgiveness than permission in some cases J.

Another illusion of Korean culture that was shattered yesterday – the strict hierarchy and extreme delicacy required so that no one ‘loses face’. I’ve read over and over that no matter what you should not get visibly angry or agitated with people, especially your boss, of people older/ ranked higher than you. Yesterday, however, one of the ladies in the office here had a huge screaming match with the vice-principal. I was sitting at my desk when they started ‘talking’, and was thinking ‘Man, it always sounds like Korean and Chinese people are angry with each other when they talk. Our cultures have such a different way of communicating”. Lol, and then they got louder and more and more angry until they were full out yelling, then the lady stormed out and slammed the door. So, they were actually angry J. Everyone completely ignored it though, so, so did I.

I have a lot of spare time at my desk! I have fully planned the next four weeks of afterschool classes, and have two – three weeks after that partially planned. I don’t want to bother going too far ahead because a) I’ll probably leave, and b) with the way things are run around here the schedule/class/what I’m supposed to do/everything could change at the drop of a hat. So, I figure four weeks is enough to plan at a time. Now though, I don’t have too much to go on with, though I could find thing if I want. I like to make it at least look like I’m doing English related work though, so I don’t go on Facebook, or plan holidays, or research guinea pigs at work J.

The best part of my day is school lunch time. I wait every day to see what weird and usually tasty thing the sweet lunch ladies have made. Because I’m a teacher I get first dibs on the food too – and I usually get to serve myself, which means I can have as much as I want. Today we had tteokbokki and I actually liked it. It wasn’t too sweet or spicy, and the rice cake things were small enough so they weren’t huge gluggy masses. There was also yummy battered chicken drumsticks, which I only took one of, but I should have gotten two! I had to eat it with chopsticks and a spoon, but I covertly watched how the other teachers did it and copied them, and got on just fine. All in all, a very tasty lunch – and no spam in sight! They really like spam here… you should see the bumper packs at the supermarket. There must be like 20 cans of spam taped together for a discount price. Ew.

Speaking of the supermarket, they sell stuff with weird add-ons. Like some of the stuff has other stuff taped to it as a promotion. Like buy this, and you get what’s taped on fo free. Often they are completely unrelated! I’ve seen normal ones like ham with free mustard, or shampoo with free soap, but the other day I say beer with a free pack of 4 toothpastes! Not just one, but four full sized tubes of toothpaste. With beer. Because what do you want to do after drinking your beer? Clean your teeth!

 

So, I helped teach three classes today, and all three were reading lessons. I had to read each reading aloud, bit by bit so the students could repeat after me multiple times. And that was it. It took maybe 15 minutes at the beginning of each class, and then I had to sit and do nothing while Mr Baek spoke in Korean. It is better than sitting at my desk, though. This pretty much sucks donkey balls. And no one likes that.

*       *        *

Ok, today's after school class was much better. They are the slightly older kids, and I have them every second day, alternating with the class from hell. Today's class is awesome. They make me feel like I really want to be a teacher. They're responsive, enthusiastic, and today I actually saw a couple of the kids improve in their writing and speaking, and I managed to get everyone involved and speaking by the end of the class, and correctly using the target language. It's like the angel class and the devil class! Yesterday's class was so awful! I'll just have to work on them.

And after school, I went to put my stuff away in my desk to go home for the day and some mystery person left me a pack of two mini-cakes! They were yummy! I think it was probably Chloe, the lovely, but shy, lady who sits across from me, but she wasn't there so I couldn't ask her. Whoever it was, it was lovely :)

Plans Monday

I went to my co-teacher's house for dinner last night. His wife didn't speak any English, so I was a bit worried that it might be really awkward, but the evening was actually really nice. They'd gone to a lot of trouble and made me spaghetti, and all these other bits and pieces including pork schnitzel, very yummy capsicum rice-paper rolls, chicken wraps, and a salad. It wasn't at all Korean, but it was one of the best meals I've had here. I remembered to take a box of chocolates with me as a gift, because I've read that it's really polite here to take a present when you go to someone's house. I think I did it right. Anyway, then we went for a walk along the river for maybe half an hour, and then Mr Baek dropped me home. The evening was short, I was home by about 7.30, but it was very nice.

One strange thing - they gave me a big glass of milk to drink with my meal. We already had iced tea, but then they gave me this milk. No one else had milk. They didn't ask if I wanted any, they just gave it to me, so I felt compelled to drink it. I have a really hard time drinking milk, so I kind of just held my breath and gulped it down, being careful not to finish it before the end of the meal in case they gave me more! Perhaps they think it's normal for Westerners to drink milk with dinner? Or maybe I looked like I needed milk? Either way, it was very thoughtful :)

So, yesterday afternoon I ended up at the Osan Market again, but this time it was in full-swing. I found out it operates all the time, but is at full size on the days of the month with a '3' or an '8' in them (i.e: 3rd, 8th, 13th, 18th, etc.). Bit of a weird system, but it was a great market. I was really unimpressed when I went last weekend, but yesterday they had everything for sale, including lots of great looking, and slightly cheaper, fruits vegetables, and meat. I will try to do some of my shopping there in the future.

The Osan market was fairly busy on Sunday.

Some sort of kimchi pancakes. I haven't tried them yet.

Great selection of mushrooms, etc.

It's all so fresh looking!

This is a whole lot of dried stuff. I have no idea what it's for.

Big selection of spicy stuff. It even smelled spicy!

So, today I was supposed to start 'really teaching', but it just seemed like a glorified version of last week. My co-teacher constantly interrupts me with Korean translations, or disciplines the kids while I'm talking to them. He also gives them activities to do during 'my' section of the lesson that are vastly different from what I had planned and explains it to them in Korean, so I have no idea what they're doing or why. I can understand that he's been through this same material for years and probably know's it very well, and how to teach it effectively, but it does make me question what my point is in the classroom. Like, why bother having me there and spending all this time and money on me when I'm not really being utilised? Ah well, I'm not here to try to change their system, I'll just have to fit in.

I did have my first after school class. There was only 6 kids, so it was really nice and I could pay attention to all of them. They were grade 3, the oldest in the school, but their English level was so low - way lower than the beginners I had in NZ. What's a bit frustrating is they haven't been taught the 'parts of speech' in English (like what nouns, verbs, prepositions, and stuff) are. So when I say "you're missing a preposition in that sentence", or "you need to use a verb with 'ing' on the end for this answer", they have no idea what I'm talking about. All the instructions given to them by their textbooks or by Mr Baek are in Korean. Perhaps I can start by going back to basics and teaching them about verbs, nouns and such. It should be quick, I'm sure they know it already, they just don't know it in English.

I got home about 6pm and made a huge pot of chicken soup to keep me fed over the next few days. I've made some big plans for the weekend too! I'm planning on going to stay in Seoul for two nights. I really wanted to go and see the autumn leaves this weekend, and there's an expat group going on a mountain hike to do just that, so I've signed up to go along. It would take me about four hours or more to get there straight from Osan - and they leave at 10.45, so I'm going to stay in Seoul on Friday night, go on the hike on Saturday, stay in Seoul that night, and then visit Hongdae, Taco Bell, and the art student's market there on the way home on Sunday. I'm going to book my accommodation in the morning :)

Update on a Sunday

Well, the tail end of my week has been fine. Friday was sports day (or 'P.E. Festival' they called it), and I thought I was going to get to help out, set up, referee, or even play a bit with the kids. However, I had to sit a watch them all and didn't get to do anything. Then my co-teacher, very kindly, made me take about a litre of different traditional Korean medicines and teas for 'the very bad cold' he thinks I have (it's just a regular cold to me). It tasted ok for the most part, but I tipped one small bottle down the drain when he left the room because it was disgusting. I don't think it did anything other than make me really need to pee about 20 minutes later :)

Me and some students on sports day.

I didn't get to see which class won sports day because I had to go back to the hospital and get one of the tests re-done because something had gone wrong with the first one. The second one came out fine (after waiting around for over a hour), so that's all good.

I had an awesome chat to mum and dad on Skype yesterday, and they suggested that a good way for me to view my time here was like I'm on holiday. I guess I am, a working holiday :) So, after talking to home for a couple of hours I went out and caught the train into Seoul. It was a good thing to do because the journey was long and crowded and I didn't have time to dwell on the fact that talking to home just made me want to be there more!

Imagine this so crowded with people they're squished together.

I went to the giant COEX mall in Gangnam. It took me a good two hours to get there, and about three hours to get home again, because I got on the train headed in the wrong direction twice! I just strolled around the mall, looking at some of the shops. There was a Hello Kitty store which sold everything with Hello Kitty on it. I'm not kidding, they even had Hello Kitty toilet rolls. Seriously. There were a bunch of cute stores all together, and in one of them I found some awesome stamps! I bought a few, and an ink pad, to put on student's work (if indeed I actually ever end up teaching them and having work to mark!). I may have to set them work they have to hand in, just so I can use my snazzy stamps :) I also found a sweet stall selling things like sour gummy worms and whatnot, and I bought some. They are one of the few things I've gotten that has tasted like I expect it to! A lot of the food over here (not counting vegetables ad meat), even if you recognise it and think you know what you're buying, it turns out to taste quite different from what I'm used to.

That's a lot of Hello Kitty!

Everything is so cute! It's a cute overload!

Awesome stamps!

For example, after travelling for three hours to get home, it was about 7pm and I was pretty tired. I wanted something a bit healthy for dinner, and as I was walking out of the Osan train station I saw that the stalls were selling cooked sweetcorn on the cob. I bought some and took it home for dinner. I put some butter and salt on my first piece and got ready to bite into my crunch sweetcorn! Only when I did it has the texture of chewy pork rind! You know when you cook a roast pork and some of the skin doesn't crackle, but turns a bit chewy and gooey? Like it sucks on your teeth? Well, this corn was exactly like that! It tasted fine, but man the texture was weird! I'm going to put the rest of it in a chicken soup.

Here's the food stalls at night.

Also while on the train, there was a girl with awesome, pretty, sparkly nails polish, so I bought some on the way home and painted my nails. I haven't had painted fingernails for ages!

Ooooh, pretty!

So, I didn't get home until 7pm. I was planning on going out to an open mic night at a nearby cafe, but not only was I exhausted, but a bunch of the people going to perform had to cancel because they all caught a cold (same one as me??). It's on every Saturday though, so maybe next week or the week after. I'm thinking that next weekend I might go and stay in Seoul for the night. I want to go to the park to see the (reportedly) amazing autumn leaves, and I also want to explore the Hongdae area some more, and perhaps venture into Itaewon. It's too far to travel in and out on both days of the weekend, so if I just sleep in a cheap hostel for the night, that might be a good solution.

Today I'm just going to hang around Osan. I need to clean my apartment, do some cooking and shopping, take some more photos of the area, and then go to dinner at my co-teacher's house.

I have resolved to stop talking about wanting to go home. I still do, but it's not very interesting. I'll know when the time is right to go, so I'll leave it at that, unless it has some bearing on events, or I really need to write about it.

Sorry mum! Saturday

Mum, I know I said I'd update my blog tonight, but I'm too tired :) I took some photos today and will take some more tomorrow. I promise to post tomorrow!
Love you lots.

Musings Wednesday

“Words do not live in isolation they enter into all kinds of groupings held together by a complex, instable and highly subjective network of associations. The sum of this associative network is the vocabulary” (Ullmann, 1963).

 

Sounds a lot like the explanations we give for ‘culture’ in anthropology. Swap ‘words’ for ‘people’ and ‘vocabulary’ for ‘culture’ and I think it actually works pretty well! This feels important to me somehow – especially considering how interested I am in both culture/anthropology, and teaching language. I kind of like “People do not live in isolation they enter into all kinds of groupings held together by a complex, instable and highly subjective network of associations. The sum of this associative network is the culture”.

My place is somewhere outside of this collective culture, currently. Obviously this is an uncomfortable place to be. Well, no I guess I can’t be ‘outside’ of it, but I am certainly occupying a different cultural position than what I am used to. Is that one facet of culture shock? Not just a reaction to seeing a culture do things very differently from your own, but having to deal with a different position personally. It’s certainly affecting me. I don’t feel shocked by it, but I am dealing with feelings of outsider-ness, imposed inferiority (yeah, I made that term up), and miscommunication – due as much to different cultural expectations as language barriers. I feel I am thought less of because of my… well… race. I am used to this a little bit in other areas, especially being a young female I have certainly encountered men who appear to think less of my thoughts because of my age and gender, but this is my first time experiencing any type of racism directed at me. Ok, it’s totally not as bad as that word makes it sound, and it’s certainly not mean or malicious, or even intentional (and intentions matter, right?), but it is definitely there. Or maybe it’s just the young female thing, and I’m misinterpreting it in the wrong light because of my own prejudices. That’s entirely possible too.

Everyone just wants to feel valued, right?

 

Ok, so my second day of school today. I’ve given the final two presentation of my ‘about me’ slideshow – and thank goodness! I couldn’t keep doing that same presentation for too much longer J Some of the classes seemed to quite enjoy it, while others weren’t so interested. They were all fairly polite and good-natured though. I’m joining in on some classes this afternoon to act as an accent model again. Mr Baek told me to join his class for the 5^th and 6^thperiods to help him teach. I asked for some clarification on what we’d be covering, so I could spend this time getting familiar with the material, but he wouldn’t tell me. He kind of just looked at me weirdly and told me not to worry, he had it under control. That’s pretty much the answer I get when I ask for any kind of heads up on the material. He just laughs and says not to worry, he’ll help me. I tried to tell him I’m not worried, I just want to prepare, but he didn’t get it. So, my best teaching will not probably be happening any time soon! Which kind of sucks, because I already feel like I’m seen as a classroom assistant, and I can’t really show my phat teaching skillz if I can’t prepare J. Not at this early stage in my teaching career anyway. Maybe one day I’ll be sweet as on the fly.

I’ll try again this afternoon to find out what I have to cover tomorrow. It wouldn’t be so bad if all the activity instruction weren’t in Korea, but they are, so I kind of need to work out what the students have to do before hand, or else waste time and disrupt the flow of the lesson while I work it out, or have to ask. Actually, maybe asking the students to translate activity instructions into English could be used as a learning tool? However, I don’t think Mr Baek would let that happen. He’s very big on interrupting and helping in Korean. I guess I will learn to accommodate it, but at the moment it throws me right off my stride each time.. Sometimes I’ll actually have moved on to a different point of theme and he will interrupt and talk in Korean about the previous one, which is a bit off-putting. It must be confusing for the students – especially if I launch back into where I was in English, so I generally repeat what I was saying from the beginning so they can catch up and follow. Maybe I am teaching too fast? That’s a good idea, actually. I’ll try really slowing down and see if that helps. However, if I’m supposed to be providing a realistic language model to the students, then going at a snail’s pace is not exactly helpful. But, I guess if they can’t keep up or understand, that’s even worse.. So, I will trial ‘Sam’s Super Slow Speaking’ after lunch J.

Gosh, can you see what’s happening here? I have no one to talk to, so I’m talking to myself through text. Welcome to my brain, anyone who is reading.

Another super introspective post Monday

So, I started ‘teaching’ today. I have so far done the same thing 4 times in 6 hours and spent the rest of the time doing next to nothing. In the classroom I don’t think I am really there to ‘teach’, I think I’m more of a demonstration model. I really should have expected that, judging by all I’ve read online. I thought I wouldn’t mind – the less responsibility the better, right? Well, I feel strangely under-valued and kind of violated. I didn’t spend all that time and money training to be an accent model. By all accounts I have the potential to be a really good teacher, but this feels somehow degrading. Perhaps it’s just my pride talking. I can see now why a year’s worth of experience in Korean public school is so often reported to be somewhat discounted by potential employers. I took everything I read before I came here with a grain of salt, believing that it was just the bitter, bigoted Americans whining, but ummm… it kind of looks to be true.

Bummer!

The kids seem nice enough though.

On the homesickness front, I'm kind of coming to terms with things now. I am less desperately unhappy, and more just mellowly unhappy. I think I am actually learning a lot about myself. Some of it's a bit of a pain in the butt though. I still have some thinking and sorting (mentally) to do, but I think I might be more at peace with my life if I can work through it.

I'm still not thrilled about being here for a year, but I am working towards being happy with what I have. This trip has really made me think about what I value and how great what I had was, and blah blah blah. Like, why do I always want to have something better than what I've got? And why do I always want the rarer thing? And why do I always plan a big change and disguise it as 'moving forward' rather than sticking with what I have and really putting the hard work in to actually move forward with that?

I think I run away. And I think it's possible I do it in every facet of my life other than with my family. Including friendship, hobbies, and work. What was the last thing I really put my heart and soul into? I think it was studying for my CELTA. And before that? I can't even remember. Not my study, not my relationships, not my cooking, painting, nothing.

Possibly this trip... and the more I think about it the more true it feels... was supposed to kindle (re-kindle?? Was it ever there?) some sort of passion within me. I felt there was a fire in me somewhere, and I wanted (want) to live it. Possible the path I have chosen is not the best way, but perhaps the realisation is worth it.

Well, I guess recognising it is the first step. I kind of know when I'm doing it, and I let myself be lazy. It will take work, but it's obviously something I need to fix if I ever want to have a satisfying work life, or life with a partner, or anything. If I keep changing jobs, or countries, or whatever anytime it feels like there's too much responsibility or commitment, then I'm headed towards a pretty shallow life.
I disguise my non-commitment as abition sometimes.
Man, I am sneaky even to myself! I'm on to me now, though :-D

It's difficult Saturday

I am still struggling mightily with something. Waves of distress keep crashing over me.
This morning I had a wonderful, long chat with mum, and finished feeling much better than I started. I cried multiple times, but decided I had to give Korea a fair shot. I have to stay for a month. However, I have to take it only one day at a time. Perhaps only an hour at a time. Maybe I'll only last a week. I really want out badly.
Dwelling on it does no good though.
Mum suggested I try writing it down, to try and either get to the bottom of my feelings, or perhaps identify some sort of pattern or theme. Well, I'm not even too sure where to start.
From the beginning, I have not felt good about Korea. I spent an entire year, and plenty of money, preparing for and planning this trip. As the process moved on, excitement took a back seat to details, and then turned into   ... well... nothing. I didn't really feel anything. I would tell people I was excited, because I was supposed to be, and I felt I didn't really have an option by this point. I put it down to the fact that I was just very balanced and even-keeled about the whole thing. I felt calm, collected, and was sure the excitement would happen.
Well, a couple of days before I was due to leave NZ, emotions did finally begin to show themselves, but not in a good way. I felt constantly ill, and extremely stressed. My insides were wound tight, and I cried at multiple, random moments. This intensified over two days, until Saturday, the day I left, where it ramped up a notch and I left NZ in some kind of stupor. I couldn't eat, I couldn't read, I couldn't watch movies on the plane. Really, I just sat like a Zombie and waited. That saturday and the combined feeling of that wrench/stupor, and leaving Brook was, to date, the worst day of my life. I have almost no memory of the plane trip, other than the lady beside me asking me why I didn't eat my food, and telling me it was probably because I was so excited. I wasn't excited, I wasn't even scared, or nervous. It was (is?) as though part of me was torn out... or more like twisted out and wrenched off. What part, though? Why this feeling?
It persisted over my first week in Korea. I found it difficult to eat, or difficult to want to eat. I forced myself, though, as I forced myself to sightsee. I did enjoy part of my time, and certainly, the feeling did lessen, and even dulled to a very low murmur at points, but always returned. It was never as strong at that saturday, but it also never went away.
Then I left for Hong Kong, and the feeling dulled and then left me completely. I spent three great days exploring Hong Kong - including a fantastic trip to Disneyland! During my three week tour of China I felt great. I thought perhaps I was ok, that the awful wretchedness had worked itself out.
However, upon my return to Korea it started to seep back in. It was certainly not as instantaneous as the first time, but the lethargy, the lack of motivation, and now the twisted weepy feelings have returned in force. I still don't know what they are, nor how to deal with them. Is it homesickness? Is there something about Korea that just makes it 'bad' for me? Are these growing pains as my personality/mind/psyche go through some change?
I am afraid of the third option, and would dearly love it if it were the second, as it would be easier. If these are indeed some sort of mental 'growing pains' what is it in there that is changing and why? And what will it change to? And why does it have to hurt so much?
However, if that is it, and this pain is the result of change (or possibly the resistance to change), then why did they leave when I left Korea? What is it about this place that is eating me up?

So, as you can see, I am unsure at this point whether the pain is trying to tell me to stop, or whether working through it will lead to something wonderful. Like, is this the type of pain you get if you touch the kettle and it burns you -like stop doing this, it's harmful; or is it the type of pain that comes from growth - perhaps like the pain you get from using new muscles.

What it boils down to is conflicting, but equally desperate urges to a) go home (wonderful thoughts of friends and family, and my dog, and Brook, and the beach), and b) not make a decision I'll regret. It's a bit like that 'Marry in hate, regret at leisure' saying. Perhaps it should be 'decide in haste, regret at leisure'. But then again, there also all that belief about going with your gut. My gut says GTFO, quite frankly. So that's not much help.

But I won't. At least not until next weekend :)

Feel like crap Friday

Ok, so here I am blogging at school again. Perhaps this ‘sit at your desk and do nothing’ is a technique to make me want to teach. Because it totally is. I was working on a lesson plan this morning and I found myself very keen to actually implement it. Next week I start teaching. If that’s what you can call it when the co-teacher translates much of what you say into Korean. I mean, what does that teach the kids? That they don’t have to listen or understand the English, because they are going to get the Korean version straight after. Oh well J.

             I had a bit of a rough night last night, and woke up feeling pretty down and out. I really need to get to work on my apartment and snazz it up a bit! I think I might go and check out Lottemart this evening. It’s a big supermarket/ it’s like the warehouse only three storied high, and they sell everything. I did my grocery shopping yesterday at E-mart, which is apparently very similar. Also, I think I saw mention that there is a Basking Robins in the food court of E-mart! I don’t think I’ve mentioned that it is my goal of my time in Korea to slowly try every B.R. ice cream flavor. I was getting a little worried as I hadn’t seen one in Osan. I was thinking that I’d have to trek to Seoul to get my fix. But now, there is hope J.

             Well, I have finished my presentation about NZ and myself. I kind of like it. Hopefully it goes down well. I just had a really nice lunch time, too. The lunch itself was, again, pretty tasty. There was crispy seaweed, a shredded chicken (I think) vegetable thing, sweet and sour chicken, rice, and soup. The soup differs from day to day, but so far it has all tasted the same to me. Kind of watery fishy. It’s not horrible, but I don’t eat much of it. Anyway, after I finished eating I went outside, as per my resolution, even though it was raining. I stood just the entrance way roof. I was only there for a couple of minutes and a couple of second grade girls came to talk to me. They were really nice! Their English was really low, but they managed to tell me about their sports teacher, the smelly boys in their class, what they like to do on the weekend, and about their favourite K-pop and western pop singers. I’m sure the novelty of a new English teacher will wear off and then no one will bother to talk to me, but for now it is very nice.

             So, I am pretty super home-sick. Everyone keeps assuring me that it will get better, and I’m even fairly sure of that myself, but that doesn’t make it feel any better right now! There’s a trip I want to go on next weekend, but you need a Korean bank account to pay for it, so I might ask Mr Baek if he can help me. Knowing my luck, the trip will be full of people who don’t want any new friends!

             Ok, today’s 5 things:

1)     I wore jeans to work, and no one seems to mind. This is good because jeans are comfortable!

2)     Lunch was nice, and the students seem sweet.

3)     It’s raining and Mr Baek gave me an umbrella.

4)     Today is Friday, so it is nearly the weekend.

5)     I want to cry all the time, but have managed not to at all today. Yet.

*        *          *

Ok, so scrap that, I've cried a crap ton. I feel well and truly, all-consumingly homesick. I want to go home so badly. I am skyping mum in the morning, perhaps she can help.

Honestly, though, I'm in a bad way.

Why the heck am I here?

First day of work Thursday

Phew! So, my first day in Osan was pretty hard-core. I kind of had a mini break-down (VERY mini) last night with Brook on Skype, mainly just because I was so overloaded with new information and so tired! So, I stayed with Rosie on Tuesday night, and she filled me in with lots of info about the apartment, buses, supermarkets, and so on. It was so amazingly good to have the overlap of me and her, so she could tell me exactly what the deal was, with no communication issues.

           The next day, Wednesday, we woke up at 6.45 and got ready to catch the bus to school. I wasn’t allowed to eat anything because I was having my medical test. Rosie is a little disorganized, so we were a bit late to catch the bus, so we got a taxi instead. It wasn’t too expensive, I think it was about $12. So, we got to school and the bombardment began. I had to meet everyone, and kind of just smile and nod all day. Had a very quick and somewhat awkward meeting with the principal, where he spoke in Korean and I smiled. Then I was whipped back to Osan for two hours in the hospital being tested for I don’t know what. They looked in my mouth for about 20 seconds and told me I needed a wisdom tooth extracted… I am doubtful – I just went to the dentist in NZ and nothing was wrong at all. Then I had to pee in a cup, and other unmentionable things, followed by a chest x-ray (for TB I assume). Then I had a hearing test, and eye test, got measured and weighed, and had to give them a blood sample. Then I had to tell a doctor I wasn’t on any medication and didn’t have a mental disease. Not sure what most of those things had to do with teaching. Like, ok I can understand them not wanting me to have T..B., or be on drugs, or even want to make sure I can see and hear ok in the classroom… but why the heck check my teeth, or my height? Perhaps it’s just ‘protocol’ or something. I got through it, anyway, and was back at school in time for lunch.

           Lunch is a classic cafeteria thing. I’ve never had lunch like that before. You line up with a metal tray and lunch ladies dump a spoon full of everything in the different holes. Yesterday there was kimchi, rice with spam, unknown processed patty things with tomato sauce, slightly spicy chewy noodles, and soup. Not sure if it was just because I was ridiculously hungry or what, but it all tasted actually ok. After lunch I got to observe Rosie teaching a couple of classes, which was great. I feel more comfortable with that side of things now. The co-teacher, MR Baek kept interrupting her and speaking for long stretches in Korean though. That might take me some patience to get used to, as I’m used to being the only teacher in the classroom – and I don’t think he should be using so much Korean in the English room. However, it is their system, and I’m really just a guest, so I will shut up and do what I’m told. Rosie said that the conversation classes are better. I’ll be teaching eight hours of them a week, and it’s all on my own, and all my own lesson planning. Because these students have such a low level of English, and the lessons are only 45 minutes long, there’s not too much to do in any one lesson anyway. I’m not over the moon about the teaching prospects, but things might improve as I get used to things. At least the students seem well mannered, happy, and nice.

           So, I got a lot of information about how the school works and whatnot yesterday, which I have now mostly forgotten, but I think that’s ok. I think I’ve got most of the main stuff under control. Because it was Rosie’s last day, all her classes had made her goodbye posters and wanted photos with her. We finished work at 4.30, but didn’t actually get to leave until after 5. I was so tired by this point. Then we went to catch the bus, so she could show me how, but Mr Baek showed up and drove us home instead. So, we got home about 6pm, Rosie finished packing, and then I helped her carry her things to the bus station. Then I was all alone. I got back to the apartment ok, and made a quick stop at the convenience store on the way. I was too tired to go grocery shopping, and too heartsick to go out for dinner, so I bought a big bottle of Powerade and a kimbap triangle and ate it while skyping Brook. Rose also left behind a big cake, which I had some of. It was very nice!

           I felt very down and very homesick yesterday night. The whole day was just overwhelming. I think because of the language barrier and the cultural differences everything felt very shallow and like ‘fake-caring’. I don’t know, perhaps that is how my culture shock will manifest itself. There was just too many smiles and too much faked (or so it seemed to me) emotions in the name of politeness. It made me feel very empty by the end of the day, like my whole day had been an act, and nothing ‘real’ had happened. I also suddenly felt very alone. But I skyped with Brook, and watched an episode of a new TV show, Terra Nova, and felt better. I’m still feeling a bit emotionally delicate, but am feeling like I can deal with it.

           I don’t have to teach at all this week. I just have to go at the beginning of each class and introduce myself. I’m supposed to be making a powerpoint introducing myself and New Zealand, but the computer is all in Korean, so it’s slow going. Plus, I kind of already made one at home, so I think I’ll just expand that one. So, other than spending 5-10 minutes at the beginning of a few lessons today talking to the students, I don’t have a lot to do.

           This school is about 25-35 minutes away from my new home, depending on the traffic. I caught the bus myself this morning, and made it here fine J. It is quite a small school, with only around 120-150 students, three grades with two classes per grade. This is nice because it means I don’t feel too lost, and with time I might start to recognize some of the kids. I have my own desk in the staffroom, and they have given me a laptop to use, but as I said, it’s all in Korean. I’ve also got a nice pile of English textbooks to use as resources. I’m actually very much looking forward to getting back into the classroom and having some sort of sense of purpose. I have a lot of free time during the day though, and not a whole lot of lesson planning to do, so I had better think of some safe for work kind of things to keep myself busy and entertained. I guess I can devote some time to my blog, some time to keeping up with friends, some time to learning Korean, and then other things.

           On the subject of learning Korean, interestingly, I feel almost no enthusiasm to do so. Perhaps because I have so many other things on my mind, but I can’t really be bothered learning anything right now. I do definitely need to add some words to my vocab – sorry, excuse me, and some food words would be useful. If I can get the enthusiasm. Right now I just want to curl up on a couch (which I don’t have) and watch T.V. with Brook.

           That brings me to the subject of my apartment. It is so much better than I had even hoped for. It’s fairly spacious, has heaps of storage space, and a separate shower. It definitely needs some work to make it feel like home, though. Rosie left a whole lot of crap behind that I need to throw away, like old makeup, old food, and so on, but the place is essentially very clean. I want to get some new, cozier bedding, put up/ display my souvenirs from China, and actually unpack my bags. At the moment I just have stuff strewn everywhere.

           I’m in the process of organizing to meet up with one or more people off facebook this weekend, to try and make some friends. Or something. Lol, right now I really wish I hadn’t come to Korea, I feel very misplaced and alone. Thank goodness for the internet! Why did I want to come to Korea, anyway?

           Well, I wanted an adventure. I wanted to see if I could go it alone. I wanted to try something new. I wanted to either get it out of my system, or learn that I want to keep teaching and travelling. I want to use the experience to be a better person. I want to learn to value what I have. I want to learn about the world, and learn to make myself happy.

           Looking at that list, I feel better. I feel like there might be more of a point to this, and most importantly, a self-defined, and self-driven point. I think I start to feel bad when I lose my sense of control and direction. And also lose my sense of the bigger picture. If I can make it through this year, I will be so proud of myself. I’m not currently convinced that I can. It stretches out before me like a long and lonely black hole. I think this will change the more time I spend becoming familiar with things and make some friends. The possibility of making friends, or meeting new people and liking them, and them liking me, seems so distant and kind of impossible! I’ve never been good at consciously making friends, but now’s the time to start, I suppose! I plan to join a couple of exercise classes and try to take a few organized trips in the coming weekends to try and meet some people. Right now I just feel totally contrary and want all my old people J.

 

           Ok, it was just lunch time – and what a relief, I was starving! The food was nice – the main dish was a brown beef and noodle something that tasted very similar to yakiniku. I really liked it. Then I went and sat outside where I was mobbed by a group of lovely first grade girls who wanted to try and talk to me. The sunshine did me a world of good, I think I should try to go outside every lunch time that I can. Otherwise I’ll just be stuck inside all day. Sounds like a plan J.

 

Ok, now a return to tradition, today’s top 5!:

1)     The brown beef thing at lunch. Yummy!

2)     I made it to school successfully on the bus.

3)     Sitting in the sun at lunch time was great, and very relaxing.

4)     I cooked my first dinner in my new home. It really doesn't feel like home though.

5)    I don't know. I'm out of good things. I'm sad and lonely. This sucks.